Hope Edelman on the Long Arc of Loss
“Those of us who have a loss in the past—and by in the past I mean 5, 10, 20, 40 years, or 39 in my case—often get the message, even if it’s not overt, it might be subtle, that we should be over it by now. And that’s a cultural message that I’d really like to start debunking.”
— Hope Edelman
I had such a great discussion with Hope Edelman for this episode. You may be familiar with Hope’s work, as she wrote the groudbreaking book “Motherless Daughters” back in the 1990s, and has been writing, speaking, and leading workshops on grief ever since. She has a brand-new book out, and it’s called “The AfterGrief: Finding Your Way Along the Long Arc of Loss.” It’s for all grieving people—not just those who experienced early mother loss—and it dives deep on the impact of grief across the lifespan. I learned so much from reading The AfterGrief. In fact, I’ll probably read it again, to let it sink in a bit more. I hope you’ll check it out, too.
Some topics Hope and I discuss include:
Her desire to debunk the myth that one should be “over” their grief if it occurred many years ago;
What she learned by interviewing 80+ people on their long-term experiences with grief;
How long-term bereavement different is from the grief that people experience immediately after a death;
The "Grief Trinity" -- New Grief, Old Grief, and New Old Grief;
Hope’s Three Rings of Grief;
What is complicated grief, and how it is different from AfterGrief;
The Dual Process Model of bereavement;
How sometimes we reframe our stories of loss many years later; and
Resources and events that Hope has available on her website.
I hope you enjoy my discussion with Hope Edelman.
Summary of key points:
Long-term Nature of Grief: Hope emphasizes that grief is a lifelong process and doesn't simply end. It evolves and changes form over time.
Introduction of 'The AfterGrief': She introduces the concept of "The AfterGrief" to describe the ongoing journey of loss, distinct from the initial acute phase of grief.
Challenging Cultural Norms Around Grief: Hope challenges the cultural expectation that individuals should 'get over' grief, advocating for a more nuanced understanding of the grieving process.
Personal Experience with Loss: Her personal story of losing her mother to breast cancer at a young age underlines her deep understanding of the subject.
Impact of Early Loss: The discussion highlights how losing a parent at a young age has long-lasting effects, influencing one’s life decades later.
Evolution of Grief Over Time: She talks about how our relationship with the facts of a loss changes as we age, shifting our understanding and emotional response.
Grief as a Lifelong Journey: Hope describes grief as not just a phase but a lifelong journey with moments of sadness and reflection, even many years after the loss.
Creating Meaning from Loss: She touches on the idea of finding meaning and purpose from loss, such as through creative endeavors like writing or podcasting.
Importance of Storytelling in Grieving: Hope stresses the power of storytelling in understanding and evolving one’s own grief journey.
The Complexity of Grief: The interview delves into the complexities of grief, showing it as a multifaceted and deeply personal experience.
Links & resources for this episode
The AfterGrief: Finding Your Way Along the Long Arc of Loss, by Hope Edelman
Motherless Daughters, by Hope Edelman
Motherless Mothers, by Hope Edelman
More links for listeners
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