Phyllis Fagell on Parenting Middle Schoolers
I had such a great discussion with Phyllis Fagell for this episode. Phyllis just released a brand new book, Middle School Superpowers: Raising Resilient Tweens in Turbulent Times.
We haven’t specifically talked about middle schoolers on the show before, and I knew Phyllis would be just the right person to tackle this with. She’s a parenting author and speaker – and I had to laugh when I saw on her website: “Phyllis has lived through middle school three times: first for herself, then with her kids, and now as a counselor.”
She’s a school counselor in Washington, DC, and her first book Middle School Matters could be likened to “what to expect when you’re expecting a middle schooler.”
Summary of Key Points:
Phyllis Fagell's Expertise: She's a licensed clinical professional counselor, certified professional school counselor, journalist, and author of "Middle School Matters" and "Middle School Superpowers." Fagell provides therapy to children and teens in private practice and is a counselor at Sheridan School in Washington, D.C.
Challenges of Middle School: Discusses the developmental and social challenges faced by middle schoolers, including the transition to a larger school environment, increased academic difficulty, shifting friendships, and the throes of puberty.
Emotional Intensity in Middle School: Fagell highlights how middle schoolers experience their emotions intensely due to brain development and lack of previous experience in dealing with setbacks or slights.
Middle School Superpowers: Fagell's new book focuses on 12 teachable superpowers or strengths that can help middle schoolers navigate the challenges of their age, especially during turbulent times.
Parenting Middle Schoolers: Emphasizes the importance of parents understanding their child's need for autonomy while also being supportive. Fagell discusses the balance between stepping forward to guide middle schoolers and respecting their growing independence.
Role of Resilience: Explores the concept of resilience in middle schoolers, emphasizing that it's not about avoiding difficult experiences, but about recovering from setbacks and continuing to move forward.
The Superpower of Belonging: Discusses the importance of middle schoolers finding their place and feeling a sense of belonging, which is crucial during this phase of life.
The Power of Flexibility: Talks about the superpower of managing change and uncertainty, which is vital for middle schoolers as they navigate both internal and external changes.
Supporting Identity and Security: Fagell addresses how parents can help their children take pride in their identity during a time when they are figuring out who they are.
Optimism and Humor: The importance of finding hope and humor in difficult situations, a key aspect of resilience in middle schoolers.
Links & resources for this episode
Middle School Superpowers, by Phyllis Fagell
Middle School Matters, by Phyllis Fagell
Find grief support near you: National Alliance for Children’s Grief
Stephen Colbert’s interview with Joe Biden on resilience
Episode 69: Julie Lythcott-Haims on How to Raise an Adult
Episode 135: Dr. Lisa Damour on the Emotional Lives of Teenagers
Episode 13: Dr. Lisa Damour on parenting teenage girls
Episode 92: KJ Dell'Antonia on How to be a Happier Parent
Episode 98: Jessica Lahey on inoculating our kids against the risk of substance abuse
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