3 Steps to Tame the To-Dos of Widowhood
Life is full of to-dos, even at the best of times. Dealing with all the additional details when you’re newly widowed can drive a parent to despair, because there are just so many things coming at you at a time when you feel like you have little to no control.
In the aftermath of Tracy’s death, I had to find a way to reduce the sense of being overwhelmed and to make progress on the things I needed to do to take care of my kids, myself, and all the legal, financial, medical, and household matters.
Anyone who’s done project management may recognize this as a variation of the Scrum approach to software development, with elements of David Allen’s “Getting Things Done.”
Here are my three steps to taming the to-dos of widowhood:
1. Create your “backlog”
Anything can serve as the storage mechanism for your list of to-dos. It can be a notepad, a spreadsheet, or a to-do app on your phone (I use OmniFocus). The moment you say to yourself, “I have to…” or “I’ve got to…,” put it in your backlog. The day after Tracy died, I remember driving to the hospital and repeatedly ordering my phone “remind me to…” as I thought of things I’d have to do. If you can get it out of your head and into your list, you reduce the interior noise of “I have to remember…” or “what am I forgetting?” You’ve recorded it outside your brain, so it won’t be forgotten.
Keep everything in one place. Don’t put sticky-notes all over your house, and don’t capture tasks in a notepad and your phone and a whiteboard. If it’s scattered, you’ll be worrying about where you put all the pieces, and who needs to create one more thing to worry about? One list, however you want to maintain it, all in one place.
Don’t worry about how long your backlog gets. It’s going to get long, because there are so many things you’ll have to do. Just put things in it the moment you think of them, no matter how big or small. Get them out of your head and you’ll rest easier.
2. “Groom” your backlog
Set a time each day, either morning or evening, about 10 minutes or so, to look at your list. Maybe some things are no longer needed? Delete them from the list. Maybe something that was back-burner has become a front-burner item? Push it to the top of the list. Something no longer important, or on hold because you’re waiting for results or someone to get back to you? Push it down the list. Is there something you can delegate to a friend? Rewrite it as “ask <person> to <thing>.”
Your goal in grooming the backlog is to identify what are the most important things to do next. You don’t have to order the entire list. Believe me, you can’t. Just identify the 10-20 or so most important things and put those items at the top of the backlog.
3. Create your “daily sprint”
Mountains are scary, but molehills are manageable.
The “daily sprint” is a small list of things that you’re going to accomplish today. In the morning, when you’ve got the kids squared away and you’ve gotten yourself ready to tackle the day, sit down with your backlog. Slice off the top of the list, the most important things to do next, and make a to-do list for today of those items. Are they trivial, easy, or five minute phone calls? Take a dozen items. Are they big, time-consuming, or emotionally draining tasks? Take two or three. The goal is to take only what you reasonably think you can get done that day. Once you get into the flow of what you’re doing, you’ll get a feel for what you can accomplish in four to six hours.
Don’t try to bite off too big a list or fill up 8-10 hours. Things will come up. Kids might need to come home early from school. You might hit a “grief land mine” and need to take a break. The goal is to get the “next most important” things done without exhausting yourself.
If you finish early, congratulations! You can either pick up a couple more tasks if you have the energy and resolve to do them, or you can take some time for self-care, give yourself a break and do something to recharge your batteries. The goal is to figure out how much you can reasonably do in a day – and give yourself only that much to do.
Mountains are scary, but molehills are manageable. I found that by daily carving a molehill off the mountain, then looking at only the molehill du jour, I was able to end each day with a to-do list of checked-off items, and a feeling of confidence that I was taking care of myself and my kids.
