My Kids Were George’s and Charlotte’s Ages When Their Dad Got Cancer. Here’s What I Learned About Parenting.
My kids were 8 & 10 when I had to tell them their dad had cancer. Photo by Rebecca Ort Photography, 2015.
On an ordinary Friday evening when my son was 10 and my daughter was eight, I returned home to see my husband, Dennis, sitting on the couch with a funny look on his face. It was the kind of look that says, “something’s wrong.”
A few short weeks later, he was diagnosed with brain cancer.
Who’d have thought that my kids would have anything in common with Prince George of Wales, age 10, and Princess Charlotte, age eight (along with, of course, their younger brother Prince Louis), who are the exact ages my kids were when a cancer diagnosis turned our lives upside down?
As Catherine, Princess of Wales, disclosed to the world last week that she’s been diagnosed with cancer and is undergoing treatment, she mentioned that she and Prince William have taken time to “explain everything to George, Charlotte, and Louis in a way that’s appropriate for them, and to reassure them that I’m going to be ok.”
As a parent who had to explain to her kids that their dad had cancer, I feel for her. It’s a terrible task, and one that I doubt anyone is equipped for. I certainly wasn’t.
Along the way I’ve learned a great deal about parenting kids during a family health crisis. Should you find yourself in this situation, here are three things you should know.
Be Honest with Kids About Difficult Topics
It’s important to be honest with kids when facing a situation as serious as a parent who has been diagnosed with cancer. Kids are perceptive. They can sense when something is off or when the information they’ve been told isn’t adding up. When they do, they tend to jump to conclusions that are scarier than the truth.
For example, they may hear adults talking in hushed tones and assume that a parent’s serious illness is terminal when in fact it’s treatable. Or if a well-meaning parent tries to shield a child from news of a beloved grandparent’s diagnosis, that child may sense apprehension among the adults and conclude that the parent themselves is sick. Both situations are sad and scary, of course – but thinking their own parent is seriously ill would likely feel scarier to a young child than the truth.
Here's the other reason it’s so important to be honest: Kids will eventually find out the truth. They may overhear it on the playground, they may be (or someday become) old enough to stumble across a news story online, or you may even decide to tell them yourself some years down the road.
When the child eventually learns the truth, they also learn that they were not told the truth initially. This tends to break down the bond of trust between the parent and the child. The child is likely to wonder, “If she lied to me about something so important, what else has she lied to me about?”
If you use everyday words like “sick” to describe someone who has been diagnosed with cancer, kids can worry that they’ll become gravely ill or even die the next time they catch a cold.
This bond of trust is so important, both for the parent-child relationship itself and as a pattern for future trusting relationships the child will hopefully grow up to have with future partners, friends, and colleagues. It’s important to be honest with our kids so we maintain their trust.
Use Accurate Language
It’s tempting to use vague or less-scary words when speaking with children about serious illness and death. Much of this language, frankly, makes us uncomfortable. No one wants to hear words like “cancer,” “chemotherapy,” or “hospice,” much less attempt to explain them to children.
The problem is, if you use everyday words like “sick” to describe someone who has been diagnosed with cancer, kids can worry that they’ll become gravely ill or even die the next time they catch a cold. They may also worry that the person with cancer is contagious, because in their experience someone who is sick has something like a cough or fever and needs to take care not to spread those germs.
It's far better to use accurate words and explain them in child-friendly terms. Tell them that their parent has cancer. Ask if they’ve heard of cancer and what they know about it. Explain some basics about the disease and assure them it’s not contagious. Reassure them, too, that they didn’t do anything to cause the parent’s cancer, because it’s surprising how often young kids’ magical thinking leads them to blame themselves for something they clearly couldn’t have caused.
It’s Okay Not to Have All the Answers
If you’re anything like me, you may be hoping to avoid these conversations with your kids until you have answers to any and all questions they might ask. It’s hard to know what to say when we just don’t know the prognosis, or if the treatment plan is still being developed.
Deferring the conversation, though, will probably make everything harder. Kids are likely to figure out that something is going on and jump to incorrect and scary conclusions. Here are my suggestions for dealing with questions you don’t know the answers to:
If a child asks a question you don’t know how to answer, but the answer is something you can learn, turn it into a teaching opportunity. For example, if a child asks what cancer cells do in the body, or how chemotherapy works, you might do a Google search together or ask a doctor friend to explain the concepts in simple terms.
If a child asks a question that you don’t know the answer to yet, explain what you know, what you don’t, and when you’re likely to know more. For example, if they ask whether the treatment is working, you might explain that the treatment is halfway complete, that the doctor seems satisfied with the current situation (if that’s true), what to expect in terms of upcoming treatment, the plans for a new scan at the end, and what you expect to learn from that.
If a child asks a question for which there is no answer, use it as an opportunity to connect with them around the emotions behind the question. For example, if the question is something like, “Why did Mom get cancer,” or “Why did Dad have to die,” there is probably no good answer. Instead of avoiding the question, you might answer with something like, “I don’t know. I sure wish I did. How are you feeling about all of this?” This opens the door to further conversation and assures the child it’s okay to share how they are feeling.
Remember, discussions with kids about illness and death are not one-and-done conversations. The younger the child, the more likely it is they’ll ask the same questions over and over as they process the information. Older kids tend to ask additional questions as they absorb what they already know and want to know more.
For kids of any age, do your best to answer calmly. Check in and see if they have other questions and let them know the door is always open for these discussions, even on hard topics like a parent’s cancer diagnosis.
And, when all else fails, remember this rule of thumb: If a kid is old enough to ask a question, they’re old enough to get an honest answer.
My best wishes to Kate and her family as they navigate this difficult time.
