Articles & essays especially for widowed parents. Personal essays, book reviews, author interviews, and the always-popular Ask an Expert column where you can get all your questions about widowed parenting answered.
Jenny Lisk, Editor-in-Chief
Surgery Day = Self-Care Day
This week I had thumb surgery.
In a large metro area full of hospitals somehow it had to be done at Swedish Issaquah, where my late husband, Dennis, had a zillion radiation treatments for his brain cancer.
It’s a hospital I’ve only been to once or twice, except for taking him for those appointments – so it was impossible to walk in without flashing right back to that time.
But I digress.
My thumb has been terribly painful for the last six months. I was managing, sort of – but when I looked at the situation in terms of needing a functioning hand for the next 50 years, I said yes to surgery.
Widowed by Sunrise: My Transition from Stay-at-Home Mom to Working Widowed Mom
Little did I know that my husband had just eaten his last family dinner with us.
That a few short hours later I would wake to him having a heart attack in our bed.
That I would be frantically pounding on his chest, administering CPR, until the paramedics arrived, while our three children – ages 15, 5, and 17 months – slept peacefully in their own beds.
I thought my husband, Josh, was in good health. We lived a great life. It wasn’t overly lavish, but we traveled often and had just purchased our dream home ten months earlier.
I’m Afraid My Kids Will Never Be Happy
“I’m afraid my kids will never be happy.”
As the parent of a child whose father died when she was five, I’d say this is a common fear among parents raising children who have experienced death losses.
When a child’s parent dies, many things change for a family. This might include things like income, daily routines, and day-to-day support — plus the future you had imagined for your children. Suddenly so many things look and feel different, and it’s easy to hyperfocus on the fear that now that the worst has happened, your kids won’t have the happy and fulfilled childhood you want for them.
This isn’t an irrational fear.
My Kids Were George’s and Charlotte’s Ages When Their Dad Got Cancer. Here’s What I Learned About Parenting.
On an ordinary Friday evening when my son was 10 and my daughter was eight, I returned home to see my husband, Dennis, sitting on the couch with a funny look on his face. It was the kind of look that says, “something’s wrong.”
A few short weeks later, he was diagnosed with brain cancer.
As Catherine, Princess of Wales, disclosed to the world last week that she’s been diagnosed with cancer and is undergoing treatment, she mentioned that she and Prince William have taken time to “explain everything to George, Charlotte, and Louis in a way that’s appropriate for them, and to reassure them that I’m going to be ok.”
As a parent who had to explain to her kids that their dad had cancer, I feel for her. It’s a terrible task, and one that I doubt anyone is equipped for. I certainly wasn’t.
Along the way I’ve learned a great deal about parenting kids during a family health crisis. Should you find yourself in this situation, here are three things you should know.
Sometimes the First Year of Widowhood Truly Is the Hardest
They coined him “The Eternal James Dean” that day.
My handsome, McSteamy husband had died suddenly, leaving us all in shock. Seeing his enlarged portrait in a black frame on an easel at the funeral as we typically do in Japan, it fell from one of his buddies’ lips: “It’s not fair — he’ll be forever remembered this way, at thirty-seven, while we all go on aging.”
I was the one who selected that photo — the meltiest smile from our recent getaway to Bali. His friend was right; Koichi would remain etched in our memories that way.
Returning home from the funeral, all I could think about was my face in the same black frame. My body was alive, but on the inside, I had died with him.
Butterflies and Death Anniversaries
In the months before the first anniversary of my husband’s death, my son and I raised butterflies. They started as tiny caterpillars, smaller than the size of a child’s fingernail. We planted milkweed, brought fresh leaves into the caterpillar house every day, cleaned out the poop. (Fun fact: Did you know caterpillar poop is called frass? You can impress your friends with this on your next nature hike).
Caterpillars poop. A LOT! Eric Carle did not write about this in his hungry caterpillar book. Or how butterflies live very short lives, and then die. Bad children’s book author.
Why do we not talk about these things?
Widowed and Parenting? You Are Not Alone
Adapted from “Widowed Parents Unite: 52 Tips to Get Through the First Year, from One Widowed Parent to Another,” by Jenny Lisk, published October 24, 2023, by Bluhen Books. Excerpt reprinted with permission from Bluhen Books. All rights reserved.
If you’d spotted us — four women in our 40s, laughing, chatting, and drinking wine — you’d be forgiven for assuming we were merely busy parents, stressed-out professionals, or middle-aged girlfriends enjoying a quick getaway from the demands of everyday life.
We were, in fact, all of those things.
We were also widows.
A Message from Jenny Lisk, Founder of the Widowed Parent Institute
I never expected to be a widowed parent.
I bet you didn’t either.
Do you ever wish you had a handbook showing you what to expect in this thing called ‘only parenting’ or ‘solo parenting’?
Access to experts, people who have great ideas, people who can tell you what you need to know, and what to look out for?
Well, so did I.